Eh Bhaiyya ... meter fast hai!

Unless all of us get single minded on teaching cab drivers and auto drivers a serious lesson in manners and overcharging... they're going to continue harrassing us and calling stikes. We have to drop the "oh yeah easy for you to say" attitude and come together. yes its difficult... standing for buses by those of us used to stepping on a road and going "auto" or "taxi" ... or walking short distances. ... but the only way is to stand up for each other... whenever any of us sees a person getting into a fight or argument for that matter with an auto driver or taxi driver it has to become our moral responsibility to stand up for that person and rally around! We have to drop this "not my problem" attitude!

Awww c'mon... don't tell me you've never had a problem with a taxi driver or an auto driver??? If you're answer is "no... I've never had a problem" then you've never taken public transport EVER in your life or you are Sharad Rao or AL Quadros or .... just plain lying! Because everyone who travels by public transport suffers ignominy at the mouths and hands or these totally unscrupulous bastards at some time or the other!!!!

Try this next time... when you come across a hapless soul in the middle of an argument or fight or just plain refusal ... stand up alongwith that person and fight. You will witness a miracle... one you will feel empowered because you will empathise with that person as you too would have suffered that fate some time; two you will feel strong and powerful! Don't get scared that other auto drivers and taxi drivers will rally around the aggrieved party... see they are strong because they do that! They rally around... we are the idiots who are worried about "creating a scene"! They don't care!!!! And that is what makes them powerful!

See... we give them power.

I have been teased many times by friends and colleagues and called "ladaku" ... "aggressive" ... "Veena bhai" ... because my fights with auto drivers are legendary. Like for instance the auto guy who I offered the right fare for an overcharged meter and he didn't take the fare and got into raising his voice thinking I was going to cower down and I gave him the last chance of taking the fare I was offering or forego the whole fare... and he got into an ego issue and said I don't want it... I walked off ...! No guilt! Screw you! Take the right fare or lose the money! I would like to believe that either he checked his meter after abusing me ofcourse or didn't try the same stunt again with someone else!

Now can you imagine if there were 10 other passengers doing the same thing to said auto man???? Assuming it was Rs. 25 multiplied by 10 :) he loses Rs 250!!!! That amount should make him think!!!

Brave fellow citizen... stop being a party armchair activist... and adviser to the nation!!!! Get of your bloody butt and open your mouth against injustice!!! Power to all of us!!!!

Complaint number likho!

Its amazing how small triumphs in an everyday life thrill one! Especially in the crazy world that calls itself Mumbai. I know Bombay was a sane city where people followed rules and obeyed the law. But in Mumbai nobody gives a rat's arse... in fact you are the rat's arse if you maintain both rules and order!

So... in this scenario small incidents of victory are so thrilling ... well I was tickled pink! I giggled afterwards. Ok let me get to the point. 
 
On the 5th day of the Ganapati visarjan - Sunday at about 11:15 pm I heard this awfully loud music in the distance which I knew would shortly be passing my house. So I did what any law abiding citizen would do... I called the police station. Unfortunately they turned out not to be law abiding citizens and refused to answer the phone. So I called 100... the advertised "saviour" number. The kind voiced woman on the other end of the line told me in a kinder, patronizing tone (in Marathi but translated for reading purpose) "Madam, today the deadline is 12:00 o'clock". So I was duly silenced as I am aware that Supreme Court orders are for 10:30 pm deadline. Anyway, I said ok I will call you after 12:00.

Suffer in silence till then you fools! We are the government who don't get anything right but noisy deadlines! 

By then terribly noisy procession no. ! had drifted past and terribly-terribly noisy procession no.2 was on its way. The house shook! Neighbourhood dogs howled! I called 100. Following is the conversation:

Me: So its 10 mins past !2:00 can you please get the local police or anyone else to stop this noise?
Police operator: I will give you the Versova police station number, call and tell them to stop it.
Me: You want me to do your job?
PO: It is closer to your home, no?
Me: (silenced)
PO: Hello... Madam???
Me: Yeah... but Versova police station seems to asleep... no one is answering the phone...
PO: Ok I have taken your complaint... I will send a car.

Phone disconnected. Noise continues. It is now 12:20. I call 100 again

Me: Madam, I had called a few minutes ago ...
PO: Yeah... we have your complain... you want the complaint number?
Me: I want the noise to stop.
PO: Yes but I am giving you the number, no.
Me: And what am I going to do with the complaint number... make bhaji out of it...???
PO: No, you can use it to say we didnt stop the noise.
Me: (silenced)
Me: (recovered) Listen, madam... dont you get it??? You are the police... I am the citizen... it is not my job to apply law and order... it is yours... my job is to follow the law and order... and if I dont you arrest me! That was the original plan!
PO: Why are you telling me my job?
Me: Because you seem to have forgotten it! 
PO: Madam, you cannot talk to me like that.

By this time I am wide awake and in full form.
Me: The police force is scared of stopping these visarjan processions as they all are politically related. Shiv Sena Ganapati, MNS Ganapati, BJP Ganapati. Who cares about the public??? You seem to have forgotten it is police for the public not public for the police
PO: Madam, I am giving you the complaint number, no...
Me: Yes... please give it to me so that when I go to the ADDL Comm. office tomorrow in Bandra I can tell him that I was given a complaint number as per your instructions but no action was taken... therefore lets discuss contempt of court.

Complaint number is written... PO disconnects. Definitely wonders what is she doing in the police force having to deal with idiots like. me.

The music stops in the next 30 seconds!!!!

That was the cheapest thrill I have had.

Last night... there was no loud music after 11:30 pm... that is when I giggled to myself. 

All we need to do is take tiny steps and believe that we care... awww c'mon... lets make Mumbai Bombay again!

Mera Bharat Ghaan!

Marathi speakers will understand this title easily. For those of you that don't speak the language or understand it ask your friendly neighbourhood Maharashtrian!

But... hold it... this blog isnt about Marathi or Maharashtrians, it spreads wider.... in fact it spreads across the country! Because this blog is about patriotism.

Come 15th August and 26th January stores, malls and nukkads start playing patriotic songs like "jahan daal daal pe sone ki chidiya karti hain basera... woh Bharat desh hai mera!" Really? There are enough poachers who would pull out a calibre gun and shoot the living daylights of said sone ki chidiya for the sona before you can say daal!

And what about our like minded brethren who suddenly think they should "go Indian" and pull out pajama kurtas and sarees and the like! Where were these clothes for the rest of the 363 days, daarling?

Patriotism for me comes out of not spitting on the streets. Not taking a leak where ever you can't hold it any longer. Not opening the car window of BMW, Audi, VW, Honda City etc etc and chucking some unwanted object ranging from used condom to McDonald's Meal bag to any thing you don't want out! And patriotism definitely isnt about scratching balls and re-aligning penis in public!

We just aren't proud of the country we live in so we have chosen to filth it up and then comment on how filthy it is! Yes, throwing garbage out in whatever form is unpatriotic. Using plastic bags where not necessary and then chucking them is unpatriotic. If you care for your country you would keep it clean just like you keep your home clean. Oh my gosh... I suddenly sound like a 4th standard Civic lessons teacher! But then isn't that what its about???  Ok... let me tell you what else pisses me off... NRI's who have splat from here come back here and bitch about how dirty the country is. What, my dear friend, has been your contribution to cleaning up?

Patriotism unfortunately is a 24/7 industry. You can't choose to be patriotic on two days of the year and bitch about it for the rest.

Ok... coming back to songs of patriotism... lets for academic purposes take "sone ki chidiya" apart... not literally ... you know what I mean.

Jahan daal- daal par sone ki chidiya karti hain basera - nah... mostly crows... as crows are scavenger birds which bring us back to dirt and filth.

Woh Bharat desh hai mera - sure woh Bharat desh hai mera...

Jahan Satya Ahimsa aur Dharam ka pag-pag lagta hai deraa - really??? Satya???? Ahimsa????? Dharam????  Need I say more???? Excuse me is this song really about the country I live in???? What Satya (Truth)? What Ahimsa {non-violence)? What Dharam (Religion)?

Woh Bharat Desh hain mera - I give up ....

Have you been to Pakistan????..

 I have!!!!

In 2000 and 2001 I had the good fortune of visiting Pakistan to shoot ad films for Lever Brothers Pakistan which is the Pakistani arm of Unilever! Unlike people of my fraternity who go to Karachi or Lahore or Islamabad for Film festivals and press meetings and/or book fairs and end up meeting people who are like minded in thought, dress and ideology I  was blessed to meet people from all strata of society - literally - as the producers, the agency and the client belonged to the upper echelons. The production unit including the model comprised of people from "right down there" to "right up there". The purpose of the above statement is that I mingled with Pakistani society in its true form. People who were labourers and could get stirred up by the odd maulana. And middle class janta who could get angered by scenes played out repeatedly on news channels purportedly showing "muslims" getting killed or tortured or both!

Ok... what brought on this blog?  I just saw a fictitious video of news created as if India had never been partitioned or rather what if Pakistan had never been created! My mind turned back to those two visits... and mind you they were long visits. Minimum 20 - 25 days each! And what visits they were! I looked forward to the next "bulawa" to meet friends, eat terrific food, laugh like maniacs till we were falling of chairs or sofas or whatever! Arguments on work were regular as were fights! There was no time or place to stop for a moment and wonder if I looked Indian or the fact that I was Indian! Who cared? Who had the time to care? And for those who did find out that I was from across the border... oh my!

The owner of the mithai shop who insisted on me drinking a huge glass or mini bucket of lassi ignoring my protests that I had just eaten lunch! My Pakistani friends found it very funny and teased me that he was actually trying to bump me off gastronomically! Old uncle even packed me off with a box of the most amazing balaclava that I have ever eaten.

Nawaz the production manager who had his wife cook me dal palak and chawal because I cribbed about the amount of meat they eat and I wasn't used to it!

The major at the Wagah border who gave me permission to take pictures of the retreat ceremony from right there in the middle with them stomping men! Later we learned that he had a soft corner thingy for my model and it wasnt about your truly at all! But the thrill at not being "different" in any way was immense!

The old man at the Wagah border who heard us talk about the insanity of partition and commented "naqshe pe ek laqeer khinch ke do mulk nahi bante" (you cannot create two nations by marking a line on a map)!

Oh I can go on and on... the problem arises when we get influenced by rotten minded politicians, maulvis, priests and their likes, all of whom have ulterior motives. The problem arises when countries like the USA perpetrate myths and support terrorism to finance the arms industry because it runs into frightening trillions of dollars and is the backbone of the state economy! I know there will be people who will use statistics and arguments to refute this blog. Do I care???? Nah! I know I was there. I know I had a rocking time. I know I have made friends for life. So... you want to say something???? Go to Pakistan as an ordinary person. Mix with the ordinary people and when you hear statements like "India-Pakistan agar ek ho jaatein hain toh kya Cricket team banegi! Saali duniya ki g***nd maardengey!" (If Inda-Pakistan become one what a mind blowing cricket team we will have. We will screw the world in its arse!) You laugh at the thought and know in your heart that if somehow we commoners get over the crap being sold to us by pandits and maulvis and politicians from around the world we can become one hell of a superpower! And then ... World cover your arse well... coz here we come!!!

Don't breathe!

Imagine you are out of the house on some work or just. Your aged parents are at home alone. Unbeknownst to you burly policemen and excise duty officers ring your doorbell and pushing aside your mother, who is in her late 70's, barge into the house refusing to say why they're there; refusing to show a search warrant; refusing to show identity cards. They then proceed to upturn the whole house looking for "evidence"! What evidence your mother asks? That your daughter is "manufacturing" alcohol and selling it in chocolates! So your mother protests and she is reminded by a burly mustachioed female cop that they are only keeping quiet because she is old... otherwise she has no idea what the police can do!

This dear friends is not fiction or even the start of a concept for a feature film! This is reality! And this has happened to a very close friend in the past 48 hours!

I am not disputing the written laws at all... I honestly am very ignorant of most of them. I am hurt and angry at the uncouth behaviour and crudity of nature of people so called in "power"! This means today anyone who has jurisdiction or extra judicial authority can barge into your home throwing some archaic law at you and arrest you for something that you honestly thought was an innocent act!

My questions: what would the "overzealous wanting to do their job officers" have done if  either of the two parents had a medical emergency out of sheer shock of the events unfolding? Would they have taken responsibility of their actions or termed it as an unfortunate event and pleaded dedication to job?

The outrage that I feel at the actions of the government in this case is inexplicable. I want to do something... I want to sue someone! I want to start a movement to protect us! I want to .... I want to ... I want to ....

But what? And how? The sword hanging over is do not antagonise the powers that be or they could harm the person concerned to a degree that is irreparable.

Its no more about going out for a meal or partying at night and whose father what goes... its about all of us citizens of Bombay (yes Bombay not Mumbai) being declared Guilty unlit you prove yourself Innocent! So if I want to have a quiet Italian meal by myself with just a good book in a restaurant... I fear being arrested for soliciting. And if some of us women just want to have a girls' night out... oh man... are we asking for it! Because no woman in government's world goes out without a ghunghat and "family" men unless she is a whore! The fact that most times I have to scream at my "family men" to wear full length pants is another topic!

So, there we have it... you my dear fellow Bombayite have been declared criminal irrespective of how you choose to live!

Oh... last word... please don't get a cough and cold this monsoon... the cough syrup the doctor prescribes for you, could get you arrested for drinking alcohol in public...!

Arre oh bhaiyya!!!!

The last few days I have decided old age has caught up with me... I have a problem with the way people drive. I have a problem with the display of bad attitude. I have a problem with the lack of civic sense and I definitely have a problem with the lack of civility.... ok ... I have a problem with a lot things happening around me! Yesterday all I was doing was desperately attempting to drive from Versova to Santacruz in a somewhat straight line as the roads go. But no... the traffic had other plans for me. I was pushed into corners. Dabaoed as is said in Bombay (yeah Bombay not Mumbai) ... shoved... abused... called "bloody woman driver"... now I am one of those women drivers who (sorry) curse inside the car "bloody woman driver" ... I cant stand the pathetic sorry manner that women insist on driving in as if their carefully manicured finger nails will break if they change the right gear or give the correct indicator! But then this post is not about women drivers. Its about the fact that 80 % of "drivers" on the roads today are from the cow belt. 15 % are two wheeler drivers and the rest are just plain crazy!!!!

So... the cow belt drivers .. some of whom wouldn't get a licence to steer a bullock cart in their homeland are now driving V6 and V8 engines. The "saab" doesnt care because either "saab" cant drive or doesn't want to drive and is probably slightly more literate than the driver! As a result ... cow belt rules, manners, civic sense or the lack of it etc etc is free flowing like Tata namak on the streets of suburban Bombay! I say that because willy nilly I have seen much better and restrictive driving south of Mahim Causeway. I have also noticed the policing is better their. Maybe because Balasaheb's and Raj Bhau's offices are situated closer to getting your arse kicked if you are an out of step or line bhaiyya! I dont know what it is... but I know that for someone who has been driving on the streets of Bombay for 30 years I have seen road manners change and how! There are times when I don't recognise this to be the city I have lived all my life in!

Then there are the snotty badly brought up badly behaved teenagers. The other day one of the same breed tossed a Coke paper container out of a moving auto splat on the road! Her father's servant is going to clean the roads???? So I stopped for a few seconds... carefully with some newspaper, which was handy in the car, picked up the offending cup and drove behind the auto, caught up with it... handed the cup to her and said in my sweetest manner "hey sweetie, you dropped this"! She says oh! I say go home and put it in your garbage can... do you pay taxes? NO... I do... and I am not your mother to clean up after you!

But we have drifted... So at the end all one can say the cribbing will go on... until I find a "kaity" and some nice round pebbles and shoot the bloody buggers at any available body part visible from where I can see it!

It's all your fault!

Dear Fellow Indians... Give up. As short and sweet as that. Nothing is going to happen for you. Some may say what a pessimistic attitude. No... realistic! Look around you... do you see anyone from any of the government departments that you voted to power giving a rat's ass about you? No. They don't care. Not only do they not care they want you to know that it is all your fault!

Ruchika Girhotra didn't get molested by a lecherous smiling in his moochies dirty flea bag! She happened to be in the same room while his arms were in movement mode! Stupid girl!

Narendra Singh the young IAS officer in MP who got mowed down by a tractor? Stupid fellow ... who told him to stand in the middle of the road waving his arms around to stop a tractor filled with illegally mined stone? Everyone knows a tractor has no brakes!

The metro rail from Versova to Ghatkopar is going to take another 14 years to be completed and up and running! Have you ever travelled from Versova to Ghatkopar by road? Do you know how crowded the roads are? And you expect the metro to maneuver through all that crowd and get built on time! Too much you're demanding!

The monorail. Why can't a few politicians, corporators, bureaucrats make some money? Do you know the price of bhindi these days? How is the poor politician etc etc going to run their homes?

The point my dearies is this ... (trumpet flourish) ... You are never the victim of a crime!!!! You just came in the way of some poor bastard's tool of crime! Its all your fault!